There I said it. I finally admitted it. It has been 6 weeks or so since I’ve been to church. I’m in a new ward somewhere. So I don’t have a calling and dread going to a brand new ward where I don’t know anyone. The questions alone: ‘And who are you?’ “Are you married?” “Where are you from?” “where did you serve a mission?” “And what brought you to New York?”

It’s not just going to a new ward, I’ve always hated going to church. When I was a little kid it was 5 hours of torture (we lived and hour away), of course children find it boring. But I didn’t grow out of that, as an adult I also find myself counting the minutes until I can escape the crowded rooms with fluorescent flashing lights, screaming kids, the smiling and shaking hands. My favorite part of church is singing the hymns. I’ve been an adult now for 10 years, I use the term ‘adult’ loosely, meaning I was no longer a minor. But whenever I don’t have a calling that forces me to be at church I always stop going. I set the alarm every Saturday night but turn it off Sunday morning, promising to go next week.

I never think of myself as an ‘inactive’ but I’ve ended up on that list a few times. The first happened in college when the missionaries started coming to visit me. Just to hang out. It took awhile before I figured out they were trying to re-activate me, actually it was the day they took me out for ice cream and paid. I knew it should have happened the other way around. Then last year the branch president paid me a home visit and asked what it would take to get me back to church. I told him I needed a calling, so he gave me one.

When I begin gliding into an inactive phase, my spirituality drops. If I start swearing then I know I’ve been away too long. And everything in my life feels more difficult during these periods and my mood drops. Without fail, whenever I find myself thinking that everything is going wrong, I remember I haven’t been to church in a few weeks or months. So I drag myself back and once my attendance resumes, life gets easier and happier. I’ve now hit the point where I’m swearing and everything is falling apart. Time to go back to church. Yuck.

I love the gospel of Jesus Christ. I have a strong testimony. I keep most of the commandments. But the most difficult one for me is gathering together oft at meetings. Why is that? That seems very wrong. Is it just me or does going to church stink? I know I need it, but does it have to be so painful? And so early in the morning? I do have agoraphobia and extreme difficulty waking up in the mornings which adds to my abhorrance, but that’s not the whole of it. I know I should suck it up, stop complaining and get my rear-end back to church. But does anyone else out there feel the same way I do? Is there something we can do to make church less painful? There must be something I could do to make it better for myself at least, any suggestions?

Jen J

It’s frightening. Walking around Manhattan has become scary. There are groups of police on every corner in Midtown. Subway entrances are blocked (hope there aren’t any fires), some streets are closed off so pedestrians can’t even cross them. People are afraid and confused. Look at the view here.

Most Americans probably aren’t getting the ‘real’ news about what is happening so I want to share some links and info. More than 900 protestors were arrested on Tuesday. Check out Union Square arrest photos here. Metro buses have been turned into police vans to cart people away. Police are photographing ALL the protestors. Isn’t that illegal? I believe the ACLU is working on it but of course it’ll all be over by the time anything happens in the courts. Photos of police arrests and civil rights monitors at the library here. Can you spot the undercover biker cops here? (Hint: scroll down a few photos.) Read about this photo-blogger’s illegal arrest here. Another blogger tells her story of escaping arrest after 3 hours detention on the street here. She is more sympathetic with the police and blames the big guns for the arrests.

The blogosphere has a lot of eyewitness stories and photos of events both in and out of the RNC. For a good list of links check out The Gothamist.

Our president’s sole claim to success is his protection of our nation from terror, so why is he generating so much terror here? I imagine Osama laughing at the arrests of protesting, patriotic American citizens.

Jen J

A few weeks ago, while traveling, I met an American woman with whom I had a lengthy conversation. She was in her late 50s or early 60s. She wanted to know about my work so we discussed philosophy for awhile among other things. I quite enjoyed talking to her. But later that evening I mentioned that I had met people at church who let me stay in their homes for free. She immediately asked me what church I attend. When I told her I am Mormon she was quite shocked. She asked me how I could be so educated and part of such a sexist church, thus allowing myself to be repressed. I said, “Women are encouraged to get as much education as they can and I’m not repressed.” She told me that yes, I am repressed. When I asked her how I am repressed she just said, “Well, you have to admit that you belong to a sexist church.” I said, “the church is patriarchal, yes. But that doesn’t make me repressed. How am I repressed?” Our exchange continued in this way as she got increasingly more distressed and insistent. She never explained to me in what ways I am repressed. She simply insisted that patriarchy and conservative religion necessitate my repression.

She asked me how I could be politically liberal and belong to a conservative religion. I told her there were many liberal mormons, that one could be socially and politically liberal while being religious. This is the point at which she lost control of herself. She said “How can you be so educated and a philosopher and believe in such superstitions? Yours is a superstitious religion. Are you a true believer? Do you really believe that God spoke to Joseph Smith and all of that?” I responded, “Yes, I do believe it. I’ve questioned the doctrine and studied it and don’t find it contrary to reason. So there is no conflict between my religion and my academic work.” Her face got red and she screamed, “That’s scary. I find that truly scary!” Then she stormed out of the hostel kitchen.

This whole exchange lasted about 30 minutes. Every time I challenged one of her assumptions she changed the subject instead of answering my questions. By the time she left, I found myself extremely angry and insulted. Though I kept my cool with her the whole time. I sat down at the table to finish my meal and smiled at the smirking German. Then the woman came crashing back into the kitchen saying, “The sad thing is that they are truly beautiful people, the mormons. So are most fundamentalist Christians.” I smiled at her and then walked out.

In order to resolve my anger I had to recognize that she had issues with herself, not with me. Even though I felt insulted, she really fought against her own fears. My faith threatened and scared her. At one point she mentioned that she grew up in the Church of Christ and knows what it’s like for fundamentalist women to be repressed. So at some time in her life she turned her back on her family’s traditions. The fact that an intelligent, educated, liberal woman could believe in a religion like mormonism, which she obviously equated with all fundamental Christianity, rocked her worldview. She must hold a fundamental belief that religion is only for the ignorant women. Once I realized this, my anger turned to sadness for her.

There are at least two issues for discussion here. Are Mormon women repressed? And if so, then in what ways? I don’t feel repressed but maybe, as the woman insisted, I am repressed and just don’t realize it. I’m also single and childless so maybe I have escaped the repression that comes with having a family. Wives and mothers, are you repressed by your families?

The other issue is the perceived conflict with intellectualism and faith/religion. This woman could not accept the existence of a religious and educated woman. She obviously absorbed the Enlightenment ideals of rationalism over ’superstition’ or faith. Our popular culture is similarly steeped in such ideals. So, lets explain away this false conflict or justify it as a real problem or rant about it or whatever else your hearts desire.

Jennifer J

Mormons are neither Catholic nor Protestant, so what happens to a convert in Northern Ireland, when their class, their identity, their traditions and their politics are tied to one of these two religions? It’s not easy for them as you can imagine. I went to church at the branch in Londonderry, Northern Ireland. Asking around I found out most of the converts were protestants who lived in Waterside, the protestant side of the river. They told me there were a few Catholics in the branch and most of them were on the dole and having too many babies. (Yikes!) So even after conversion, the LDS here identify themselves with one side or the other. They are all converts and have to face great pressure from their families, neighbors, and friends. When they get baptized they are denying centuries of their heritage. The religious distinction is more about loyalties to the crown or a native Ireland. It’s been that way since the 17th century when the British in power tried to convert the natives and started bringing over protestant English settlers to fill their plantations. One history book I’ve been reading said, “To be a protestant or catholic in 18th century Ireland indicated more than mere religious allegiance:it represented opposing political cultures, and conflicting views of history.” (Foster, The Oxford History of Ireland) That distinction continues today.

One woman told me that in the 80s she went to the branch in Omagh where the members were evenly divided among Catholics and protestants. She said they sat on opposite sides of the church and didn’t talk to each other. But now they mingle and don’t divide themselves that way. She told me she doesn’t know how they did it, how they overcame the prejudice. But I think after 20 years of going to church with people it’d be natural to get over it, I hope so anyway.

Maybe mormonism is the solution to the ‘Troubles’ of northern Ireland. It would take another century at least, but imagine if there were no longer Catholics nor protestants in the country. First, I suppose the wards have to learn to integrate themselves too. I didn’t notice any separation, and I couldn’t pick out the few Catholics there. But in conversation with the members I could see that they can’t so easily slough off their political and cultural identities with baptism.

For those of you experienced with budget travelling, the hostel culture should be familiar. Most dorm rooms have 4 + beds and the polite and friendly thing to do is introduce yourself to nearby bunk-mates. Introductions include obligatory answers to the following: where are you from, where have you been, where are you going, how long have you been here… and when things are really friendly bunkmates will often share tales of the things they’ve seen in town or good tours they went on.

My first night staying in an hostel last week, (I’m travelling) three boisterous dyed blond college girls checked themselves into my room. Usually I find these girls annoying. They tend to talk to much and be too loud in their vacuous blatherings. These girls did fit that stereotype and had a long discusssion on Britney Spears new boyfriend. BUT, they were sweet. When they told me they were all from Nevada, Reno or Las Vegas and then I looked at them with their sweet smiling blond selves, I thought, ‘they could be mormon.’ So I asked, ‘You guys aren’t mormon are you?’ They laughed and said ‘no’, but told me they know lots of mormons.

Then, and this was my fault for asking the question in a negative way, one of the girls said “Hey, we could’ve really freaked her out by telling her yes!” Ha ha ha. That’s when I knew it was time to share, so I said, “Oh, I am mormon, that’s why I know there are so many in Nevada.” They got quiet for 2 seconds then were over it. I felt the urge to say, ‘don’t worry, I’m not like the rest.’ But I restrained myself, I’m glad I did. But why did I feel like saying that? I wondered what it is about us that makes girls like this think we are freaky, and that made me apologetic and almost shameful of my own kind? The whole episode disturbed me. I’m ashamed that I had that reaction. What is it about us that makes us so freaky? How sad. Here we were, on the other side of the Atlantic, and we both brought this negative view of mormons with us. Discuss.

(P.S. I’m having a fabulous time, it wasn’t disturbing enough to tarnish my trip.)
Jennifer J

The mormon world is very small. We’ve all had experiences of re-meeting someone from an old ward or someone who knows people in your family or who used to know your best friend, etc. This weekend, my mother came to town to see me. We went to my branch on Sunday morning. I left her to be with the adults while I went downstairs to primary. When I came back up to check on my mom between classes I ran into Bro. Richard Bushman. He told me “We’ve just talked to your mother, she used to live in our house in Arlington and we know Stephanie Goodson(my aunt) very well.” “What? really?” I was trying to figure out when my mother lived in Arlington, Va when I found her talking to Claudia. Mom filled me in. Her newlywed sister Stephanie was already living in Boston when mom moved there after graduating from some Utah university. She rented a room in a big house in the Arlington suburb. The people she rented from moved out and the Bushmans moved in with their 5 children. She said they all had to share one bathroom! This was in the late 1960s but Claudia recognized my mother right away.

Recently, at the 15th street chapel, I ran into a brother who was in the bishopric of my ward when I was a teenager in Miami. Neither of us attend church at that building but we were both there for meetings. I knew his family very well and taught their first daughter how to swim.

So, what is your best small world story? Let’s see who has had the craziest, most unlikely re-run with church people?

Jennifer J

The Manhattan temple opens imminently and has brought many things to mind. I have yet to be endowed. Not because of worthiness issues, but lack of desire. I’m not married and did not serve a mission, so I was never in a position to ‘have to’ get endowed. Because of this post on Kim Siever’s blog, Our Thoughts, about the recent online publication of the Temple preparation manual and the ensuing comments, I have the following questions. Please do not misinterpret my questions as criticisms or doubts. I accept that the temple is a divine institution that is central to my religion, which religion I hold very dear. I seek more understanding on its importance and wonder why this isn’t made more explicit in church education.

1. Most mormons get endowed because they are getting married or going on a mission. This seems such a common practice that it’s assumed all active adult church members will go through the temple. So, teaching temple motivation is not a priority if it’s even taught at all. (I may be wrong, I spend every Sunday in primary and not adult Sunday school so please correct me if I am.)

2. Temple ordinances and covenants are considered too sacred to discuss outside of the temple, because we don’t want to “cast pearls before swine”. So people usually explain things with broad expressions like, “make sacred covenants to receive greater blessings” and “learn more about the plan of salvation”. Don’t the scriptures contain all the knowledge we need? What motivation then does one have for taking endowments?

3. Getting endowed is a commandment required for exaltation. Marriage is also a commandment required for exaltation. Since I’m not married, I won’t be exalted even if I get endowed. So does it make a difference in the end if I do?

This is the point where more knowledge would be helpful. I read the temple prep manual on-line. It quoted James E. Talmadge:“The ordinances of the endowment embody certain obligations on the part of the individual, such as covenant and promise to observe the law of strict virtue and chastity, to be charitable, benevolent, tolerant and pure; to devote both talent and material means to the spread of truth and the uplifting of the race; to maintain devotion to the cause of truth; and to seek in every way to contribute to the great preparation that the earth may be made ready to receive her King,—the Lord Jesus Christ. With the taking of each covenant and the assuming of each obligation a promised blessing is pronounced, contingent upon the faithful observance of the conditions” (The House of the Lord, rev. ed. [1976], 84).

Which leads me to ponder, how are these promises different from baptismal covenants? Don’t we do the same thing when we take the name of Jesus Christ and promise to obey his laws? I take my baptismal covenants very seriously and all of the above fall under them even if not explicitly stated.

4. In the comments on Siever’s blog, dp from Doctrinal:net posted this quote from Armaund L. Mauss’ “Reflections on Mormon Temple Worship”:
“there is no real reason that even devout Church members could not talk more about the temple ceremonies than they do, with appropriate discretion about time and place, since the oaths of secrecy attach only to the new names, signs, tokens, and penalties. Indeed, more open talk about the temple would not only facilitate understanding among both Mormons and non-Mormons in certain historical and scholarly respects, but would also infinitely improve the preparedness of initiates, almost all of whom now enter the temple with only the vaguest idea of what to expect or of the obligations they will be asked to assume.”

However, the temple prep manual had this to say about the matter (I couldn’t find a reference to the speaker):
“We do not discuss the temple ordinances outside the temples. It was never intended that knowledge of these temple ceremonies would be limited to a select few who would be obliged to ensure that others never learn of them. It is quite the opposite, in fact. With great effort we urge every soul to qualify and prepare for the temple experience. …
“The ordinances and ceremonies of the temple are simple. They are beautiful. They are sacred. They are kept confidential lest they be given to those who are unprepared”(Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple, 2).

If Mauss is correct, then why are we so silent about the temple ordinances?
What does being unprepared mean? I’m temple worthy and once had a recommend to take out endowments, but I didn’t get around to it. What lacks in me as far as preparedness goes is the burning desire to be endowed and an understanding of the need for it. But that doesn’t mean I’ll defame them or trod them into the mud. Maybe I am a spiritually insensitive boar who has hardened my heart to the call of the temple, but how many people got endowed purely from desire or felt fully prepared? (If you did I’d like to hear how it happened for you.)

Do church members take the sacredness too far, turning it into uneccessary secrecy as Mauss suggests? And who is going to “great effort to urge every soul to qualify and prepare for the temple experience?” Is more effort and education needed to give people a greater understanding?

Jennifer J

My mother lectured me on the phone recently. It might’ve been cute in a nostalgic way if it hadn’t annoyed me so much. What prompted this trip down childhood lane? I told her that I have no intention of ever paying my parking tickets. I now owe the city more than my car is worth. I’m basically waiting for the city to tow it so I don’t have to move it for alternate side street parking anymore. My mother found this appalling. She told me I was raised in a law-abiding household and she didn’t understand how I could just not pay my tickets. When I said that I live a very different life from hers she said, “Yes, but we both have the same beliefs, beliefs that include obeying the law. At least I hope we do.” Yes, mother.

I have no qualms about not paying stupid parking tickets that I got because my car is dead and the street-sweeper comes too early in the morning for me to get up and beg for a jump-start. I’ve also had some bogus tickets, including one for “missing or impaired equipment.” Someone ripped off my side-view mirror and I got a ticket for it. How is it a traffic violation to have a _parked_ car with a missing mirror?

I found it supremely annoying to have my mother question my religious conviction because I am not going to pay for my parking tickets. Where in the scriptures does it say I have to obey every stupid nit-picking law? OK, The Articles of Faith are in the Pearl of Great Price. But they are not presented as commandments. Joseph Smith wrote them as PR for people interested in our religion. Does the fact that they are in the Pearl of GP make them commandments? They sound more like admonitions, in the same way that article 13 says we believe in following the admonitions of Paul. Am I going to be judged for not following every law of the land? Do I need to repent for not moving my car every Tuesday and Friday between 9:30-11 am?

Are we commanded to obey the law of the land? Did I miss that somewhere?

Jennifer J.

Steve has asked me to guest blog for a bit. I think I’m supposed to be the voice of young single women in the church. I don’t think I can speak for all of them, but I have a voice. By way of introduction, my name is Jennifer, I don’t do anything special like run a magazine. I’m just trying to finish my graduate degree and I work in the primary presidency of my branch.

For my first post, I’d like to discuss the way we teach our children about families. There is an absence of material in the primary manuals for the many children who come from broken homes. This silence translates into insensitivity. My family had a lot of problems when I was growing up. My parents lived at opposite ends of the house and there was constant contention. I hated the primary song, “Families Can be Together Forever”. Some Sundays it made me cry. I didn’t want my family to be forever, not the way we were. I probably knew instinctually that our family would break up before we all died.

Almost twenty years have passed since my tenure in primary. I’ve worked in the primary of every ward I’ve attended for the past eight years. The lessons about families have not changed. The songs have not changed. At least now we have pictures of children and families that aren’t white americans, finally. This year the primary theme is on eternal families. I looked for something in the materials that addresses our children who don’t have two parents, or who live with extended family. There is nothing.

How does it feel to be a child who hears how wonderful heaven is because we’ll have our families, but she has never met her father? Or, what must it be like for the child whose parents aren’t members so they don’t have a temple marriage? We teach them that they don’t have an eternal family. They lose their families when they die. How many children have divorced parents? What about the children with one excommunicated parent? What do we teach them about their families? Nothing. Not one word. My parents finally divorced and I still don’t know where that leaves me in terms of my eternal family. They broke their temple seal, so does that mean I’m not sealed to either of them? And what about my grandparents? Am I sealed to them? I can’t answer their questions about non-traditional families because I don’t know the answers. It shouldn’t be this hard.

When it’s my turn to do sharing time I try to be sensitive to the feelings of those from non-traditional-nuclear homes. But, I wish I had some help from the primary leaders in Salt Lake. I still find it hard to teach these “happy-happy-joy-joy” eternal family lessons. When will the church education catch up to the reality of what ‘family’ means to more and more children the whole world over?

I’m not sure what that would entail. At least we should have answers to questions about non-eternal families and what qualifies as such. I’m not suggesting the church stop teaching family principles. I just wish we could recognize that some lessons are insensitive. We should include something for the other children, those without eternal families. I still remember how sad those family lessons made me feel. I don’t want to do the same thing to another child.