Conference and Rumors of Conference
It seems as though there are always rumors before every General Conference of big doings. Usually these rumors don’t pan out, or they turn out to be things that only meet the definition of “big” used by church bureaucrats (revising geographic area responsibilities and the like).
This conference finds the usual rumors floating around, but this time they are coming from multiple sources among senior church leaders. There is no indication of what specifically will be announced, only that it will be historic with a capital H and will constitute revelation.
As a service for conference watchers, I am posting below some suggestions–some real possibilities, some frivolous, some tongue firmly planted in cheek–of what the big news might be. I didn’t actually make up any of these; they derive from a couple of friends of mine:
- temple in Far West
- temple in Independence
- temple in Wyoming
- temple in Paris
- temple in Utah
- buildng the New Jerusalem
- women get priesthood
- being gay is OK
- no more Sunday School
- no more choristers (people follow organ anyway)
- dedication of Tabernacle
- conference session devoted to history
- endowment houses at stake centers
- sister missionaries at age 19
- gospel going to Muslims
- special missionaries to China
- first conference talk in Spanish
- coffee ok, so long as it is a decaf mocca
- Er, the church isn’t really true after all
So what speculations would you add to the mix?
Well, this isn’t my prediction, but my dad has always said that once the tabernacle earthquake-proofing was done, SLC would finally be in for “the big quake” they’ve been predicting since I was in grade school, and that it would be the beginning of the end.
But it’s just a rumor.
Comment by Liz Muir — March 28, 2007 @ 8:58 am
-Two members of the Quorum of the Twelve sent to Jerusalem to preach for the next 3 1/2 years.
Comment by Keri — March 28, 2007 @ 8:59 am
Dick Cheney will be invited as one of the perennial governmental leaders who sit on the front row and are welcomed with open arms.
Comment by Guy Murray — March 28, 2007 @ 9:03 am
- President Monson will talk about reactivation and quote from the play “Shenandoah.”
- Someone will begin his Priesthood Session talk with “I would like to address my remarks to the brethren of the Aaronic Priesthood.”
- Pornography will be mentioned at least 25 times.
- Polygamy will be reintroduced.
- Sealed portion of the plates will be published later this year.
- Sheri Dew will be called as a Seventy.
- Elder Packer will give a hybrid of two of his most famous talks, entitled “To The One Only.”
- During the sustaining of officers, the votes will be unanimous in the affirmative.
- An Ogden, Utah institute choir will provide the music during the Saturday afternoon session.
- Animal sacrifice reinstated.
Comment by Steve M — March 28, 2007 @ 9:05 am
Last fall, our Stake President was under the impression that there were major changes coming to the home teaching program in 2007. He didn’t specify what he had heard, or from whom, so I’m not sure about it.
Comment by CE — March 28, 2007 @ 9:07 am
two words: Elder Jagger
Comment by HP/JDC — March 28, 2007 @ 9:09 am
The only rumor I’ve heard is revised guidance on year supply of food storage, which the presiding bishopric is supposedly going to address. Wouldn’t exactly call that historic.
A first conference talk in Spanish? That would be brilliant, but it won’t happen, yet. Ditto for sister missionaries at 19.
And Kevin, you didn’t make any of these up?!?
Comment by Randy B. — March 28, 2007 @ 9:09 am
-All missionaries sent home.
-Sacrament Changed to cookies and milk
-Saturday Afternoon session music to be performed by the Osmonds
-New Revelation given
-President Hinckley retires
-Church reveals that the modifications to the tabernacle have turned it into a fully operational battle station.
-Church announces new program to give superpowers to all members who have temple recommends
-Donald Trump is called as a the first non-member councilor in the first presidency.
-Pope speaks at conference
-All the apostles wives speak at conference
-Genesis group disolved with all members of the presidency becoming members of the 70
-Church reveals question to the answer 42.
-Church announces LDS themed amusment park “Smithland”
-Angel Moroni(or his Boss) speaks at conference
Comment by Matt W. — March 28, 2007 @ 9:11 am
The Church has purchased the temple lot in Independence MO.
Comment by CEF — March 28, 2007 @ 9:12 am
- From now on, we really will get married naked.
- New reality show: “America’s next top General Authority?”
Comment by Steve M — March 28, 2007 @ 9:12 am
No, Randy, I didn’t come up with any of my original list; others did.
I’m enjoying people’s suggestions; keep ‘em comin’.
Comment by Kevin Barney — March 28, 2007 @ 9:15 am
Gee, I feel really left out. The only rumor I have heard is that the budget for this year’s After-Priesthood Session Ice Cream Activity is $200.
Comment by CS Eric — March 28, 2007 @ 9:15 am
7 — The food storage one probably won’t be this conference, because our ward participated in the survey it was based on a week and a half ago. I don’t think they’ve had time to compile all that data (and I’m sure we’re not the only ward they’ve worked with) and drawn conclusions yet. But it’s coming.
Comment by Blain — March 28, 2007 @ 9:27 am
Curriculum in preisthood meetings to move from pet doctrines to pet hobbies.
Comment by Ben — March 28, 2007 @ 9:31 am
Conspicuous consumption and the worship at the altars of unfettered free market capitalism will be decried. Large homes, fancy motorized vehicles, and expensive clothing will not be received as indications of personal piety or moral valor. It will be discovered that scripture will not require rewriting to support this new emphasis.
Comment by smb — March 28, 2007 @ 9:34 am
The most realistic of your suggestions is the re-dedication of the Tabernacle after its seismic renovations.
Comment by john f. — March 28, 2007 @ 9:37 am
The church is going to sever the link between civil marriage and temple marriage. As is the case in most (or all?) of Europe, couples will be civilly married first, then the couple will be sealed in the temple later the same day. Whenever possible, the civil marriage should be conducted by the couple’s bishop in the LDS chapel nearest to the temple. This will be presented as a move toward uniformity between the U.S. and the rest of the world, but in fact will serve primarily to accomodate nonmember parents who want to witness their children’s weddings.
Comment by Last Lemming — March 28, 2007 @ 9:38 am
That would actually be a wonderful change in policy, Last Lemming.
Comment by Steve M — March 28, 2007 @ 9:41 am
I’m betting there will be mention of the preparedness pamphlets that are being distributed to the general church membership.
Comment by Connor — March 28, 2007 @ 9:50 am
- Block extended from 3 hrs to 4 hrs
- Tithing to be paid on present value of all future earnings (Church to establish perpetual savings and loans dept. to finance payments)
- Missionaries to be allowed to serve for as long as they want, wherever they want.
- Eating meat sparingly to be added to Temple recommend interview.
- Temple to be opened on International Space Station.
- Purposes of the Aaronic priesthood to be delivered in Gregorian chant.
- Location of Lost Tribes identified.
- BYU to drop football program
Comment by Talon — March 28, 2007 @ 10:08 am
- Tithing Rebates for investments in Pot Luck foods
- “Menrichment” night to be officially instituted
- The snowman song from primary will be added to the hymn book and the tab choir will close conference with it.
- Steve Martin really has been a member all of these years.
Comment by john scherer — March 28, 2007 @ 10:32 am
Given the Cheney at BYU controversy I wouldn’t be surprised to hear someone talk about the importance of maintaining civility and respect in the political sphere.
Comment by Aluwid — March 28, 2007 @ 11:04 am
- “Best of the Bloggernacle” comments and discussions offically sustained as new book of scripture. Hee…
Comment by Nicole — March 28, 2007 @ 11:09 am
I have a tentative confirmation from someone in my ward (who is doing the translation of conference into Klingon or some equally obscure language) that the Tabernacle will be rededicated and that the first part of the first session will be broadcast from there.
Comment by Liz Muir — March 28, 2007 @ 11:10 am
- Mitt Romney will announce that David Bednar is his VP candidate…
Comment by Matt W. — March 28, 2007 @ 11:11 am
This link confirms that the Tabernacle will be re-dedicated this weekend.
Comment by Nicole — March 28, 2007 @ 11:12 am
-Church reveals that the modifications to the tabernacle have turned it into a fully operational battle station.
Now, that’s funny. I’m reminded of the “Sugar Beet” photo(-shop) of the Provo Temple launching itself into orbit.
Comment by Mark N. — March 28, 2007 @ 11:13 am
the importance of maintaining civility and respect in the political sphere
I alway accord those whose actions signal their own deep contempt for human rights and the U.S. Constitution all the civility and respect they deserve.
Comment by Mark N. — March 28, 2007 @ 11:18 am
Elder Monson has to say it
Comment by Ben — March 28, 2007 @ 11:25 am
Western shirts and cowboys hats will be the new “uniform of the priesthood.”
Comment by KyleM — March 28, 2007 @ 11:52 am
The First Presidency will all be sporting soul-patches.
Comment by KyleM — March 28, 2007 @ 11:56 am
If re-dedicating the tabernacle is “historical with a capital H”…
Comment by Matt W. — March 28, 2007 @ 12:03 pm
“Exalted Peach” to become new sports drink distributed exclusively through Deseret Book Stores (shelf life guaranteed until second coming).
Comment by Talon — March 28, 2007 @ 12:11 pm
-Open up the session for testimonies
-The MoTab is wearing tye-dye muu-muus (just the women of course, with the requisite pearls, and the men are still wearing suits)
I always wonder what session they will choose to announce “the big news.” Do the most people attend/watch the Sunday morning session? They sustain new apostles on Saturday morning, right? So, is that the reason to go to Saturday morning? To hear all of the ground-breaking revelations (that never happen and always leave us disappointed:))?
Comment by cmac — March 28, 2007 @ 12:18 pm
Gladys Knight has written the next hymn book and will become the new director of MoTab, who will start of with a Bang, the best rendition of “Summertime” from Porgy and Bess since Lawrence Welk.
Comment by Doc — March 28, 2007 @ 12:24 pm
It will be renamed The 177th Semiannual Office Depot Conference…brought to you by Office Depot. Several of the talks will mention the need to keep journals and the availability of paper products at Office Depot…and T Monson will talk about getting office chairs on wheels for 25 widows at a great discount…
Comment by Norbert — March 28, 2007 @ 12:28 pm
Norbert, Corporate sponsors? My co-workers are trying to figure out why Coke flew out my nose! Hilarious.
Comment by KyleM — March 28, 2007 @ 12:32 pm
- The tabernacle has been modified to include a Jeopardy stage. Visitors to temple square can now play a couple rounds against Ken Jennings as part of the tour.
- The Christus statue will be replaced in all visitors centers with the Osmondus
- Kolob will be visible to the naked eye in the southern hemisphere from April 22nd - 29th
- Baptismal fonts to be replaced by dunk tanks, the poignant symbolism reflecting the way many missionaries convert people suddenly and without sufficient preparation
- The New Testament will be modified to reflect the real commandment upon which hang all the law and the prophets: Love thy statistics as thyself.
- The church will begin a multi-level marketing program in which you are entitled to a percentage of the tithing monies paid by converts you bring into the church (or “downlines”). This residual income is exempted from standard tithing obligations.
Comment by Ryan — March 28, 2007 @ 12:44 pm
cmac, the rumor is that GBH’s remarks at the end of the Sunday afternoon session are unscripted (no advance copies to translators, etc.) and will contain the big news, whatever it may be. That’s the rumor, anyway.
Comment by Kevin Barney — March 28, 2007 @ 1:04 pm
Posted by Daniel Peterson on FAIR message board:
Comment by Anon — March 28, 2007 @ 1:15 pm
All the hicks down in Vernal-ville say the Proclamation on the Family will become scripture.
Get in line for your new triple, folks!
Comment by Bored in Vernal — March 28, 2007 @ 1:30 pm
Anon, I was being coy in not revealing too much about the rumors, but now that the cat is out of the bag, Dan is indeed one of my sources. Another friend’s son was at the same conference Dan was at, and heard the same comment from Elder Nelson.
The other source, the one about GBH’s remarks at the end of the Sunday session being the one to pay attention to, derives third-hand from Elder Hales.
This is why I am giving the rumors more credence this time around. There are multiple statements coming from actual church leaders themselves, as opposed to some mass e-mail from your crazy Aunt Sally.
Comment by Kevin Barney — March 28, 2007 @ 1:35 pm
Two more words: Elder Clinton
Comment by HP/JDC — March 28, 2007 @ 1:57 pm
Ah yes, Norbert, and it will all be wrought with the passive voice:
“tears were shed as the widows were seated on the office chairs. hearts were warmed, testimonies were strengthened, feelings were felt . . . “
Comment by cmac — March 28, 2007 @ 2:10 pm
Well now that the cat is out of the bag, may I suggest that rampant and irresponsible speculation is fully warranted? Anybody got anything else?
Comment by Anon — March 28, 2007 @ 2:36 pm
Given the fact that this conference will be
“h[H?]istoric with a capital H,” I predict the following:
* In commemoration of the 150th anniversary of the reorganization of the Kirtland Safety Society, the church will announce plans to open an in-house bank with branches and ATMs inside every meetinghouse chapel (take that, Walmart!).
* In commemoration of the 150th anniversary of the Mountain Meadows Massacre, the church will issue a proclamation expressing “profound regret” over the events of September 11, 1857.
* The proclamation of 1845 will finally be added to the canon.
Comment by Justin — March 28, 2007 @ 2:48 pm
- Cultural Halls to be renamed “Assimilation Rooms”
- 116 lost pages and have been found and are to be published.
- Bridges to be built from East Coast to Europe and West coast to China to accommodate easier passage of Ten lost tribes to Zion
- CTR to be modernized to CTRY! (Choose the Right Yo!) to be more appealing to todays youth
- Pant suits to be endorsed as appropriate sunday dress for women
- New blockbuster movie trilogy to be produced by Disney: Zelph, Son of Zelph: Curse of the Lamanites, Zelph Returns: The Resurrection
Comment by Talon — March 28, 2007 @ 2:57 pm
Err, make that the 170th anniversary of the reorganization of the Safety Society.
Comment by Justin — March 28, 2007 @ 3:00 pm
Emeritus status for the 12 and the First Presidency; President Hinckley announces that he will be the first to enter emeritus status.
Comment by Christopher Bradford (Grasshopper) — March 28, 2007 @ 3:01 pm
Elder Ono
Comment by HP/JDC — March 28, 2007 @ 3:07 pm
It doesn’t help that this year the Sunday sessions will be held on April 1st…
Comment by mistaben — March 28, 2007 @ 3:11 pm
Apparently the Provo temple presidency has been saying that the announcement will have something to do with temples in Utah County.
Comment by Christopher Bradford (Grasshopper) — March 28, 2007 @ 3:12 pm
More temples in Utah? Now that is “H”istoric baby!!!
Comment by Costanza — March 28, 2007 @ 3:15 pm
I’ve heard rumors too. My parents had their stake conference a month or so ago, and Elder Packer came to speak. In the adult session, he (Elder Packer) hinted at some big, upcoming news (from his comments, my dad got the impression that it stemmed from concerns about the church overseas, though it was all very vague).
Comment by Seraphine — March 28, 2007 @ 3:16 pm
Maybe they’ll wake us all up and we’ll find out it was just a big dream and we’re all still in the pre-existence.
Comment by Jacob J — March 28, 2007 @ 3:24 pm
The church is going to announce a new collection of pageants, beginning with the “Mountain Meadows Musical” in 2009. Music by Michael McLean. There is a search committee currently looking for someone to play the hero John D.
The “Ballad of Fanny Alger” will open some time the following year.
Comment by Latter-day Guy — March 28, 2007 @ 3:26 pm
The buzz at Church HQ is that the number of
“church areas” will be reduced/streamlined.
Comment by Rex — March 28, 2007 @ 3:29 pm
Jacob, that was funny.
Comment by Costanza — March 28, 2007 @ 3:35 pm
Well, we shouldn’t have to wait long to find out. According to the lds.org main page “Online text of each talk will be available on Thursday, March 29th.” At least that what it said as of about two minutes ago.
Comment by Costanza — March 28, 2007 @ 3:37 pm
Two words (and two initials): Elder J.D. Crawford
Comment by DavidH — March 28, 2007 @ 3:49 pm
Costanza, I read it that the online text will be of the YM Conference that was held last week.
Comment by Darrell — March 28, 2007 @ 3:50 pm
YW conference
Comment by Darrell — March 28, 2007 @ 3:50 pm
I do not think that streamlining church areas is a big announcement.
Big would be Proc on the Fam canonized or GBH going Emeritus cause of age. Something like that.
My sources tell me that in the last two years the church has been thinking about establishing some private schools in the third world countries. Like Chile or Ghana. Then they closed down the NZ school so who really knows.
Comment by bbell — March 28, 2007 @ 3:57 pm
From what I hear, they’re actually going to start including Jesus among those who are sustained by the membership. It will go like this:
Comment by DKL — March 28, 2007 @ 4:04 pm
You’re right Darrell.
Comment by Costanza — March 28, 2007 @ 4:05 pm
DavidH, I would have to seriously clean up my act first. Instead, I would offer Elder Obama, as a substitute.
Comment by HP/JDC — March 28, 2007 @ 4:13 pm
Elder Huffington?
Comment by Steve Evans — March 28, 2007 @ 4:18 pm
I have to confess to being a bit skeptical, simply because every time I hear rumors of something big happening it never does, and when something big happens I never heard rumors about it.
Comment by Costanza — March 28, 2007 @ 4:21 pm
Well, Elders Obama and Huffington would provide balance no?
How about Elders Plant and Page?
Comment by HP/JDC — March 28, 2007 @ 4:42 pm
No, Elders Huffington and Swarzchenegger would add a balance–or throw in Shriver.
Comment by mami — March 28, 2007 @ 4:58 pm
You do realize, don’t you, that they intentionally spread these rumors to increase how many people watch it.
Comment by DKL — March 28, 2007 @ 4:59 pm
Hehe. Yeah — it’s sweeps week at BYU-TV
Comment by Geoff J — March 28, 2007 @ 5:04 pm
The current General Relief Society presidency will be released. A new presidency will be called.
A woman will give an opening prayer during one of the regular sessions.
Comment by Justin — March 28, 2007 @ 5:28 pm
I stumbled across this site when searching for official definitions of pettying, heavy petting and necking. And what the penalties for each action are. Can anyone revive the old blog about that or start a new one? Is there any “official” literature specifically defining those terms?
Comment by StillConfused — March 28, 2007 @ 5:31 pm
StillConfused,
Sadly, I am sure that thread is dead for a reason.
Comment by HP/JDC — March 28, 2007 @ 5:37 pm
I don’t know about “official” definitions, but I’ve got some working definitions that I find serviceable for day-to-day use.
Comment by gst — March 28, 2007 @ 5:38 pm
Seriously. I grew up on a farm in Virginia and those terms met something entirely different to me. The first time I heard them used by my bishop I about died “Petting… what kind of freak do you think I am?” Visions of horses and goats in my head. It wasn’t pretty. Anyway, I have two seemingly respectable folks giving me different definitions and different punishments so I am looking for the truth…
Comment by StillConfused — March 28, 2007 @ 5:40 pm
Petting: see here.
Heavy Petting: see here, specifically the 1996 NOFX masterwork.
Necking: see here.
No seriously, see here, generally.
Comment by Steve Evans — March 28, 2007 @ 5:43 pm
See also here.
Comment by J. Stapley — March 28, 2007 @ 5:49 pm
Steve Evans is my new best fried. I have read the old thread but I still don’t feel like I have received a definitive authoritative answer to what each term means and the penalty for violation thereof
Comment by StillConfused — March 28, 2007 @ 5:50 pm
This is the most hilarious thread. Thanks for all the laughs.
Comment by fiasco — March 28, 2007 @ 5:55 pm
In my experience, the penalty for attempting the various violations is an eye gouge.
Comment by gst — March 28, 2007 @ 5:56 pm
StillConfused, there’s no “definitive authoritative answer”, and accordingly there is no definitive penalty. Commonplace definitions, such as those available via google, will give you the information you seek; that said, there’s no ecclesiastical “penalty” for necking, so French kiss to your heart’s content.
I just love that this is coming up in the conference thread. Maybe THIS will be the big revelation!
Comment by Steve Evans — March 28, 2007 @ 5:59 pm
I can only add: Google these terms with caution!
Comment by gst — March 28, 2007 @ 6:01 pm
gst, you pansy. Throw “ladyboy” into the search as well, for extra fun.
Comment by Steve Evans — March 28, 2007 @ 6:02 pm
how do you know about these searches steve?
Comment by Guy Murray — March 28, 2007 @ 6:06 pm
Elder Chalabi
Comment by HP/JDC — March 28, 2007 @ 6:06 pm
Guy, one night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble.
Comment by Steve Evans — March 28, 2007 @ 6:07 pm
oh my
Comment by Guy Murray — March 28, 2007 @ 6:08 pm
Oprah Winfrey will be made General YW president
Comment by mami — March 28, 2007 @ 6:30 pm
Spent some time with a muddy old river and a reclining Buddha, eh Steve?
Comment by Costanza — March 28, 2007 @ 6:36 pm
Costanza — I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine.
Comment by Steve Evans — March 28, 2007 @ 6:39 pm
You guys are killing me.
Comment by meems — March 28, 2007 @ 7:02 pm
Guy Murray Murray Head
Coincidence? I think not.
Comment by AC — March 28, 2007 @ 7:19 pm
StillConfused,
Whatever the penalty may be for each violation, I can assure you the penalty is considerably worse when the act is premeditated and the violator is under the dellusion that his repentance is already mapped out before the act.
Comment by Joe B. — March 28, 2007 @ 8:57 pm
Hilarious. I love this thread. Thank you.
Comment by Chelle — March 28, 2007 @ 9:16 pm
The real scoop: bikini garments!!!
Comment by MCQ — March 28, 2007 @ 10:43 pm
Saturday Morning session will start out with a dark room. We’ll hear GBH’s voice: ‘Brothers and sisters, because of the work done on the Tabernacle, we are now able to present for your sustaining vote … Mormons On Ice!”
The video comes on, and the choir does a ice review version of Joseph Smith’s First Prayer.
The first talk will be Elder Bednar doing flips and such while explaining how the conversion of the Tabernacle into the biggest indoor ice rink West of the Mississippi is the fulfillment of scriptural prophesy (see Psalms 147:17, D&C 133:26).
Comment by Norbert — March 28, 2007 @ 11:26 pm
1. Full strength/Octane Coke and Diet Coke as well as Jolt and Mountain Dew will be on-fountain and in vending machines in the Church office Building cafeteria and various locations at BYU.
2. The Church has filed a friend-of-the-court brief in support of Warren Jeffs’ defense.
3. A member of the First Presidency will read a “First Presidency Statement” indicating that the Church does not officially support Mitt Romney’s run for the White House, or any other candidate, and that the Church has no involvement in legislative affairs in Utah.
Comment by Lonny Mower — March 28, 2007 @ 11:43 pm
The reorganized church has surrendered.
All the victims of Sept. 11 have come to GBH in the temple asking to have their work done.
Elder Packer apologizes for being so grumpy, promises to smile more.
Fruit of the Loom signs xclusive contract with the church.
Women commanded to take plural husbands.
Discovery of a heretofore unknown White Newt Letter.
Pres. Monson entering rehab for abusing “happy pills.”
Mormon Madrasas opning in remote parts of the Rockies.
Formal apology to Israel for claiming to be authentic Israel.
Tabernacle taken up to museum in heaven where Book of Mormon, Ark of the Covenant, Lost 10 Tribes and City of Enoch are on display. Revelation concerning celestial museum features Alvin Smith sighting.
Jesus was a little gay, but we love him anyway.
Comment by Tom Manney — March 29, 2007 @ 3:18 am
– 93 General Authorites will be fired, and replaced with an ethnically diverse group of new blood, pursuant to a robust affirmative action policy. Future pin-ups of the collective GAs will easily be mistaken for a Bennetton ad.
– The racist historical rationales for denying Blacks the Priesthood will be formally disavowed, and then all White men will have their priesthood removed in light of the belated realization that their valiant efforts during the War in Heaven were actually products of a very un-Christian, militaristic bloodlust. Turns out those pacifist fence-sitters were actually more in tune with Gospel principles after all.
– Women will be given the Aaronic priesthood and allowed to pass the Sacrament. It will be realized that preparing and disseminating edibles during Sacrament meeting dovetails more nicely with woman’s wifely, food-preparatory role in the home than it does with 12-year old boys’ lack of comparable skills in this regard.
– God’s love for His children will be more explicitly described as “not unconditional” than it has been previously, and the conditions of said love will be specifically identified as “not reading Sunstone, Dialogue, or LDS-themed weblogs.”
If I’m right, do I win a prize?
Aaron B
Comment by Aaron B — March 29, 2007 @ 3:37 am
Elder Sanjaya Malakar.
Comment by danithew — March 29, 2007 @ 6:17 am
Much like Brigham Young and tobacco back in the early Utah days, GBH will let members drink coffee and keep their recommends for only $100 a month donation to fast offerings.
Comment by TStevens — March 29, 2007 @ 6:59 am
Elder Spielberg
Comment by HP/JDC — March 29, 2007 @ 7:30 am
Aaron, if you are right, the end has come; a prize will do you no good.
Comment by Randy B. — March 29, 2007 @ 8:13 am
BKP will announce that the church does indeed apologize for its history, and promptly , profoundly apologize for In our lovely Deseret as the most atrocious hymn ever.
Comment by Doc — March 29, 2007 @ 8:35 am
re 99, caffeinated beverages are on tap at the lion house, right next door (literally) to the much reviled Administration building, where the First Presidency have their offices.
Comment by john f. — March 29, 2007 @ 8:53 am
Norbert, The video comes on, and the choir does a ice review version of Joseph Smith’s First Prayer.
More “white-washed” history, eh? Unless, of course, there is a dramatization of JS’s teenage treasure seeking hobby involved. (Any presentation of the First Vision that doesn’t have an extended portion devoted to treasure seeking is de facto white-washed — haven’t you been reading the Bloggernacle?)
Comment by john f. — March 29, 2007 @ 8:55 am
Wow, john. Bitter much?
Two final words: Elder Mugabe.
Comment by HP/JDC — March 29, 2007 @ 9:45 am
Best. Thread. Ever.
~
Comment by Thomas Parkin — March 29, 2007 @ 10:08 am
Forseeing his time to lead is near, Thomas S. Monson tries to be contemporary and be hip with the kids. This involves him telling stories from his childhood wherein he calls himself T-Dawg rather than Tommy; and he drops the Shenandoah references for something from the Producers, or even better SPAMalot.
Comment by TStevens — March 29, 2007 @ 10:23 am
- 3 Nephites identified and called to overseas missions where church is struggling due to lack of leadership
- Wine reintroduced for sacrament purposes
- Head scarves/veils for men and women
- Cooking meals to be allowed in church kitchens again
- Crosses to be installed on church steeples
- Raising the bar announced as a failure, bar to be lowered significantly
- Meanings to all symbols for Book of Abraham illustrations revealed, translation: Winning numbers for Egyptian lottery April 3, 3000 BC
Comment by Talon — March 29, 2007 @ 10:40 am
HP, ?
Comment by john f. — March 29, 2007 @ 10:40 am
Gimme a smiley or something, john f.
Comment by HP/JDC — March 29, 2007 @ 10:44 am
In all seriousness, I wouldn’t be surprised to hear an announcement that a temple will be built in some location significant to Church history.
Comment by Steve M — March 29, 2007 @ 11:05 am
Steve M.,
Like Jerusalem perhaps?
Comment by Doc — March 29, 2007 @ 11:44 am
- Church has completed purchase of Kirtland temple
- Announcement of formal beatification and canonization process, PH session to celebrate St. Lowell
- Mormon monastaries
- Open Q&A for the last hour of future Sunday PM sessions
Comment by John Bryan — March 29, 2007 @ 11:56 am
Elder Hillary Clinton.
Comment by danithew — March 29, 2007 @ 11:59 am
Dan, see no. 43. Gotta pay attention!
Comment by Steve Evans — March 29, 2007 @ 12:01 pm
Actually, I was going for George Clinton
Comment by HP/JDC — March 29, 2007 @ 12:05 pm
2nd Quorum of the 12 Apostles
Comment by SV — March 29, 2007 @ 1:56 pm
The statement on symposia is officially recalled. To drive home that point, Elder Packer will be a plenary speaker at this summer’s Sunstone Symposium. Officially it is because his schedule was free, but private sources indicate that the first presidency assigned him the duty between fits of laughter.
Comment by RS — March 29, 2007 @ 2:05 pm
The Revelation on the Two Types of Mormons will be canonized:
There shall be no more internet Mormons and chapel Mormons, nor Iron-rod Mormons and Liahona Mormons, among them. They shall be known as Wahabi Mormons and Zen Mormons.
Comment by Adam Greenwood — March 29, 2007 @ 3:52 pm
Wasabi Mormons and Phen-Fen Mormons?
Comment by Steve Evans — March 29, 2007 @ 4:09 pm
Wassup Mormons and Howyadoin’ Mormons.
Comment by Adam Greenwood — March 29, 2007 @ 5:05 pm
I thought we already established that the two types are Hair Shirt Mormons and Silk Pajama Mormons.
Comment by MCQ — March 29, 2007 @ 6:24 pm
I’m a hair shirt pajama Mormon.
Comment by meems — March 29, 2007 @ 7:05 pm
So you’re admitting to being a fence sitter? Don’t you know the consequences of that?
Comment by MCQ — March 29, 2007 @ 7:10 pm
4 wards to a building in Utah
Comment by SV — March 29, 2007 @ 7:44 pm
-Dumbledore has been resurrected
-The thread by which the Constitution was hanging broke
-Snape is a death eater
-We located star base Kolob, it was right next to twinkle twinkle little star all along
-Harry Potter is Mormon
-The church goes green, brings handcarts back
-Hillary Clinton is a Gadianton Robber
-The arms that Ammon severed have been uncovered in a dig outside Salina, proving BofM historicity once and for all.
Comment by wpr — March 29, 2007 @ 9:50 pm
Steve, I was thinking #43 could potentially refer to Bill Clinton, and it was necessary to clarify to all readers that we are progressives here.
However, I have to bow to the idea of Elder George Clinton.
That is a grand idea indeed. I am feeling very humbled this morning.
Comment by danithew — March 30, 2007 @ 5:16 am
Dumbledore has been resurrected
Wait, he died….?
Comment by Ronan — March 30, 2007 @ 5:25 am
A troop in Utah actually caught a real snipe.
Comment by JamesP — March 30, 2007 @ 6:57 am
I’ve always wondered why Conference can’t be truly that–a conference, complete with workshops, informative and engaging speakers, breakout sessions, special interest sessions, etc. Instead it’s the same-old, same-old.
Now that there’s a seven year old Conference Center the size of entire city block, there doesn’t seem to be a chance of any kind of reorganized format, which is sad. It seems to me in this day and age of new media and creative communications there should be a more effective way of reaching a large membership and having them/us feel like we are participants in an event rather than somnolent spectators. After all, we can wait a month and read it all in the Ensign, anyway.
Comment by NoNameNedra — March 30, 2007 @ 8:38 am
After searching, pondering, and praying I have had th4e choice experience of personal revelation that the following will be announce this weekend.
-Casual Fridays at the temple. Hawaiian shirts and shorts (knee length of course). Hit the snack bar before your endowment session to pickup a free bag of popcorn!
-A revelation that Washington had a better football team than BYU in 1984.
-DKL really *IS* the most reviled poster on the bloggernacle.
Comment by KyleM — March 30, 2007 @ 9:16 am
NoNameNedra,
I believe they actually do have workshops, but they are on weekdays the two weeks prior to conference. Therefore, they’re only advertised in Utah, since few people outside Utah would be able to come up just for that.
Comment by Joe B. — March 30, 2007 @ 11:31 am
Quentin Tarantino and Mel Gibson will co-direct a Book of Mormon movie. The dialogue will be spoken entirely in reformed Egyptian. Stan Lee will have a cameo in the film. Jon Heder will play multiple roles as all of Helaman’s 2000 stripling warriors. Some of the more brutal scenes will be cut so that the film can get an R-rating.
Comment by danithew — March 30, 2007 @ 3:15 pm
Gary Coleman has already signed on to play Amalickiah.
Comment by Costanza — March 30, 2007 @ 3:21 pm
and DKL will play Korihor:)
Comment by mami — March 30, 2007 @ 5:09 pm
Coming out of lurkerdom to say that you people are seriously funny! A couple of years ago there was a pre-conference rumor that I was really hoping to be true that to ease crowded buildings (allow more wards in a building), the church block would be reduced to 2 hours. Anyone heard that?
Comment by CW — March 30, 2007 @ 5:25 pm
CW,
That rumor about cutting the meetings down to two hours by eliminating Sunday School comes up from time to time. The first time I remember hearing it was in the early 1990s when they discontinued SS opening exercizes and the rumor was that this was the beginning of a phased shut down of Sunday School. I have also heard rumors that some wards were used as pilot programs and actually did go to a 2 hour meeting schedule, but I have never met anyone who had experience with that first hand.
Comment by Costanza — March 30, 2007 @ 5:42 pm
Costanza,
I have met people with the experience of shorter meetings, but they were under the impression that the motivator was building crowding (this was in AZ).
Comment by Julie M. Smith — March 30, 2007 @ 6:02 pm
Ditto what Julie said–those Az wards grow fast!
Comment by mami — March 30, 2007 @ 6:36 pm
Thanks Julie, I always wondered if those legends of the magical two hour blocks were true.
Comment by Costanza — March 30, 2007 @ 7:09 pm
Perhaps it’s about the new changes to the way names are processed for Temple Work. They have been working on the beta testing for months and are supposed to be coming out with a way to run names through Temple Ready from your home computer.
Comment by hanging in there — March 30, 2007 @ 10:22 pm
Ditto 145. I’ve heard about this and the timing is just right. The new system is also supposed to reduce the possibility of doing temple work for the same name more than once.
Comment by Carol F. — March 31, 2007 @ 12:23 am
If there is a way to run Temple Ready from the home computer, that would be a huge deal.
My mother could probably do genealogy 8-12 hours a day. Maybe more. The internet has changed how she does genealogy in so many ways. She has found other genealogy enthusiasts who are somehow connected to family lines (often these people are not LDS) in many parts of the United States and they routinely send her huge amounts of relevant genealogy information. She can hardly keep up with it all.
It would be nice if there were more genealogy-related plugins for blogging.
Comment by danithew — March 31, 2007 @ 5:30 am
[...] to Kevin Barney at BCC, this conference might just make History. Perhaps we’ll have some real excitement today. [...]
Pingback by Mormon Mentality - Thoughts and Asides by Peculiar People » General Conference: Saturday Sessions Thread — March 31, 2007 @ 9:25 am
I’m glad this is back on track. I think it was seriously pushing the “lightminded” envelop. As I consider Historical with a capital H, there are 3 biggies in my lifetime that created an immediate buzz. They are, the 1978 revelation, the announcement of 100 working temples by 2000 and the rebuilding of the Nauvoo Temple. Other really significant (and historical happenings) include, the announcement of the Conference Center, the building of the Jerusalem Center and the Family and Living Christ Proclamations. There have been many other organizational changes, like the 3 hour block, doing away with Assistants to the Twelve, Correlation, doing away with somewhast autonomous organizations (Scouting seems to be the last sacred cow in that department–and I for one would like to see its demise.)
Looking ahead, I see a potential change as big or bigger than any of my lifetime and which has not been mentioned on this thread. This change is so real to me that it is as if it had already happened. I hope to live to see it as an open reality. I have prayed that I will live to see it. It is recorded, sometimes obliquely, but increasingly straightforward in my journals. It feels really sacred to me, so I don’t think I will explicitly share what it is here. But I will say as an old sociologist, who understands content analyisis, a couple of years ago I realized that Pres. Hinckley was carefully choosing his words on this topic. I was so energized by this realization that I went back through 5 years of General Conference proceedings. I was amazed to see that with only one exception in that time, and that was an early talk by a new apostle, all other FP and Qof12 references were equally wordsmithed. Talks by the 70s however didn’t seem to have a clue. I am holding my breath. It is a time of hopes and fears for me.
Comment by Marjorie Conder — March 31, 2007 @ 9:36 am
It looks like the news may be that the Jerusalem center is being re-opened.
Thanks to the news on my Wii.
Comment by Ian Cook — March 31, 2007 @ 9:47 am
That smiley face might be a bit too light minded Ian. Better watch it.
Comment by Costanza — March 31, 2007 @ 9:57 am
Thank you all for the laugh while I am stuck at work! I would have added a few but my ideas were already taken
Comment by Lynsey — March 31, 2007 @ 10:24 am
I know it’s a long time ago, but #17-Last Lemming’s post reminded me of something that I thought that was funny. When I got my letter of “confirmation of name removal”, they were very specific about all the covenants with God that were cancelled, including my marriage sealing.
Since I was only married in the temple, does that make me single now?
Comment by Ryan — April 1, 2007 @ 5:51 am
Historic? A couple of GA’s pulling an April Fool’s joke on Mormon Bloggers. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
Comment by Walt C. — April 1, 2007 @ 12:59 pm
You may be right Walt. Maybe they figured that more people would watch if they did something like that. That would be funny.
Comment by Ian Cook — April 1, 2007 @ 1:28 pm
Yeah, cuz the church is all about Nielsen Ratings.
Comment by MCQ — April 1, 2007 @ 1:44 pm
Ryan,
Perhaps you should ask your wife and a family lawyer. At least the lawyer would think you were funny.
Comment by KyleM — April 1, 2007 @ 4:07 pm
Not Nielsen ratings, but spiritual feeding. But does it work if they trick us into being spiritually fed?
Comment by Ian Cook — April 1, 2007 @ 5:33 pm
I think the lesson here is some folks have a different definition of Historic with a capital “H” than one might think. That said, the Saturday afternoon session was far away the best, at least in my view.
Comment by Randy B. — April 2, 2007 @ 8:37 am
OK, here is a conspiracy theory for you to consider. The big thing, whatever it was, was supposed to come from GBH at the end of the second Sunday session. Normally Pres. Hinckley gives a substantive address in that slot to end the conference. This time he just gave some superficial concluding remarks, and the conference would have ended 10 minutes early if not for a lengthy closing prayer (much longer than the morning session’s). And we all know that these conferences are all tightly scripted.
So what if GBH got skittish about whatever it was and he pulled the plug at the last minute, thus leaving the apparent hole in the proceedings near the end? Is that possible?
And while we’re at it, what about that grassy knoll thing…
Comment by Kevin Barney — April 2, 2007 @ 11:22 am
Guess he figured Ronan need a few more years of Sunday School afterall.
Comment by Guy Murray — April 2, 2007 @ 11:24 am
Kevin, it’s my general sense that GBH often ends the conference with just a few comments in summary and wrap up.
I don’t remember how long the closing prayer was for the last session, but the Sunday morning session closing prayer consisted of just a couple sentences, IIRC (exactly as it should be). That the last prayer was long-winded doesn’t tell us much — par for the course.
Here’s one final thought: If GBH ever wants to be the first to spring some exciting news at the close of conference, I suspect we won’t see rumors generated by the Q12 about history (with a capital H!) in the making. Instead, we will hear about it in the first instance from GBH.
Comment by Randy B. — April 2, 2007 @ 11:41 am
The length of the closing prayer is determined by the time left before the hour is up, due to broadcast issues. Same with the closing song. The church has network broadcast time to fill and they can’t leave a 5-minute gap, although they sometimes leave a minute or so that can be filled with extra commercials (Deseret Book! food storage! BYU housing! if you’re in Utah)
On Sunday afternoon, the choir stretched their closing hymn elegantly to try to fill in the time, and the poor brother left with all that prayer time did an admirable job of blessing everything and everyone. I had a friend who was involved in the translation process for conference and he explained that those who give prayers are asked to keep an eye on the time. Hence the 2-sentence prayer on Saturday, when the hour was up, vs. the 5-6 minute prayer Sunday afternoon. I suppose you can be inspired to fill whatever time is required.
Comment by DanM — April 2, 2007 @ 11:59 am
I held out for the announcement of a new static free fabric for garments being introduced, but was left disappointed…..maybe next time.
Comment by Talon — April 2, 2007 @ 1:12 pm
[...] the same time that we “Utah Mormons” began passing rumors around about how historical our LDS General Confe…, our restoration cousins of the Community of Christ church (known until April 2001 as the [...]
Pingback by Mormon Mentality - Thoughts and Asides by Peculiar People » Continuing Revelation — May 22, 2007 @ 9:15 am