Dear Esteemed Sirs:

I say, it was quite enough to suggest in a most recent article that the dwarves be revoked their beard cards. I nearly lost my second breakfast as I read your fine periodical.
It would have been a frightful mess for the staff at the Cougar Eat to clean up, I can tell you that. I shuffled off right quick to my dorm room in Helaman Holes to write you this letter with not a bit of delay.

Now, us folk from the Shire are a good-natured lot and have always enjoyed the company of Big Folk for the most part, but there does come a time, as it were, where the wafer and the cheese must part, as my great-great uncle Willifell Brandywine Took was fond of saying in between bouts of drinking his fine-aged cider.

But enough is enough and this has been plenty. Me and mine have given up much to attend school here and we converts from the Shire do quite enough to join in with the Men of Gondor, the Men of Umbar, even those that hail from Spanish Fork. It was no easy feat to give up blowing smoke rings and many it is a night I miss the feeling of tamping some fine weed into my pipe, I can assure you. In fact, I now eat so many teacakes (no tea, of course) that I must be soon buying a new belt. The point is, dear fellows, that we from Middle-Earth have done much to accommodate our new faith and new surroundings in Utah. Exceptions to the dress code is a small thing to ask of a university as fine as this one.

We little folk are good for standards too, why I myself will never use the fine plates when the dwarves stop by for a visit, yet we must all be allowed to keep on to our cultural customs, don’t you agree?

What’s next — blunting the ears of the elven-kind?

Worse still, shaving our feet? Common decency demands you show toleration, if it’s not still a value of the gospel we all do share.

So before the kind patience my people are known for runs thin, I suggest you and those that administrate in this fine institution do reconsider your policies.

Good day,

Frotho McConkie Gladbottom, Payson

P.S. And if you’re wondering, the hair on my feet is not pubic, thank you very much. My land!